God’s army

Rabbi Landau was standing near the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!" "But I’m already in God’s Army, Rabbi," Max replied. "So how come I don’t see you in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" asked the Rabbi. "Max whispered, "Because I’m in the secret service

Illegal Sukkah

An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue , built a Sukkah on his balcony. Some of his ‘high society’ non-Jewish neighbors brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighborhood. In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He prayed for help. And Hashem listened. Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him: "Don’t you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue . You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars. You have exactly eight days to do so! Next Case!"

Hebrew

Osama bin Laden gets President Bush on the phone and says, “I had a dream that a flag was flying over the White House and it said in Arabic ‘Allah akbar, God is great.’” President Bush responded, “I had a dream, too, about a flag flying over your Pakistani mountain hideaway.” There is silence, so bin Laden says, “What did it say?” Mr. Bush: “Dunno; can’t read Hebrew.”

Deathbed

A man was on his deathbed at home, his son tending to him, his wife cooking in the kitchen. Man to son: “Tell your mother that her brisket will go with me to heaven. A last wish: I just want one piece.” The boy runs to the kitchen, then sprints back. Son to man: “Sorry, Dad. Mom says it’s for after the funeral.”

Funeral

A priest, an imam and a rabbi are talking about how they hope people talk about them at their funeral. The priest: “That I was a wonderful servant of God who made a difference.” The imam: “That I showed the path to Allah as one of peace and harmony.” The rabbi: “They should say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”