If the exodus story were written to fit the times… The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can’t see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."

While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."

Saeb Erekat, an ancient Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews’ superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God.

The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh’s chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments.

The United States president, Husain is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them, imposing harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table; they will accomplish nothing through these plagues."

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rpa-yscWRY

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission..

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something Man invented himself GOVERNMENT!"

httpvp://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=B8FFE9885115A5EB

When we present God’s holy law, And arguments from scripture draw, objectors say, to pick a flaw, ‘It’s Jewish.’

Though at the first the Eternal One blessed be He sanctified His day of rest, the same belief is still expressed, ‘It’s Jewish.’

Though with the world this rest began, And thence through all Scriptures ran, and our Rabbi Yeshua said “twas made for man”– ‘It’s Jewish.’

Though not with Jewish rites, which passed, but with the moral law ’twas classed, which must exist while time shall last, ‘It’s Jewish.’

If from the Bible we present The Sabbath’s meaning and intent, this answers every argument– ‘It’s Jewish.’

Though the faithful students like Luke and Paul, Continue still this rest to call the ‘Sabbath day’, this answers all: ‘It’s Jewish.’

The Good News teacher’s plain expression, That “Sin is of the law’s transgression,” seems not to make the least impression– ‘It’s Jewish.’

They love the rest of man’s invention, But if the Eternal One’s day we mention, this puts an end to all contention: ‘It’s Jewish.’

O ye who thus God’s day abuse, Simply because ’twas kept by Jews, the saviour, too, you must refuse, ‘He’s Jewish.’

The Scriptures, then, we may expect For the same reason you’ll reject; for if you will but recollect, ‘They’re Jewish.’

Thus the emissaries, too, must fall; For Andrew, Peter, James, and Paul, Thomas, Matthew, John, and all ‘They’re Jewish.’

So to your helpless state resign Yourself in wretchedness to pine; Salvation, surely you’ll decline, ‘It’s Jewish!’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbswqUdU7ok

The Gaza Flotilla participants explain how they can con the world.

Here comes a time
When we need to make a show
For the world, the Web and CNN
There’s no people dying,
so the best that we can do
Is create the greatest bluff of all

We must go on pretending day by day
That in Gaza, there’s crisis, hunger and plague
Coz the billion bucks in aid won’t buy their basic needs
Like some cheese and missiles for the kids

We’ll make the world
Abandon reason
We’ll make them all believe that the Hamas
Is Momma Theresa
We are peaceful travelers
With guns and our own knives
The truth will never find its way to your TV

Ooooh, we’ll stab them at heart
They are soldiers, no one cares
We are small, and we took some pictures with doves
As Allah showed us, for facts there’s no demand
So we will always gain the upper hand

We’ll make the world
Abandon reason
We’ll make them all believe that the Hamas
Is Momma Theresa
We are peaceful travelers
we’re waving our own knives
The truth will never find its way to your TV

If Islam and terror brighten up your mood
But you worry that it may not look so good
Well well well well don’t you realize
You just gotta call yourself
An activist for peace and human aid

We’ll make the world
Abandon reason
We’ll make them all believe that the Hamas
Is Momma Theresa
We are peaceful travelers
We’re waving our own knives
The truth will never find its way to your TV

We con the world
We con the people
We’ll make them all believe the IDF is Jack the Ripper
We are peaceful travelers
We’re waving our own knives
The truth will never find its way to your TV
We con the world (Bruce: we con the world…)
We con the people (Bruce: we con the people…)
We’ll make them all believe the IDF is Jack the Ripper
We are peaceful travelers
We’re waving our own knives
The truth will never find its way to your TV
The truth will never find its way to your TV

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ui7i0jNhX8

In Seville Spain, local people found a way to stop the construction of another mosque in their town. They buried a pig on the site, and made sure this would be known by the local press. 

The Islamic rules forbid the erecting of a Mosque on “pig soiled ground.” The Muslims had to cancel the project. This land was sold to them by government officials. 

No protests were needed by the local people…and it worked!

Plant a pig.

Shariah’s followers have long built mosques on the most sacred sites of those they have conquered — for example, on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, at Constantinople/Istanbul’s St. Sophia Basilica and in Cordoba, Spain, the capital of the occupying Moors’ Muslim kingdom.

Islam has a history of building Mosques on conquered sites which are revered by its enemies. Cordoba mosque in Spain was built on the site of a Christian church after Islam conquered that city. The project by Muslims to build a mosque in the United States, close to the place where the 9/11 attack took place, is causing quite a stir. It is worth noting that the name chosen for the mosque is confrontational and provocative. The first Cordoba mosque was built in that Spanish city in the aftermath of the Muslim conquest of Christian Spain. This Islamic “Conquista” was followed by the killings of men, and the enslavement of women, many of whom were carried away to the Arab lands to work as servants and concubines for their Muslim masters. For both Arabs and Muslims, the history of their conquests remains as a symbol of their past glory, and power. They have no thoughts of remorse or shame, when they recall those heinous crimes that accompanied the colonization of Spain!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkMolLriAkQ

Week of Jan. 3 2010 – Jan 9, 2010

Best Internet Jewish, clean Videos of the Week. Best new internet videos, best music video and funny video.

A Joke now, then the videos:

Tales of the Rebbes Three hasidim are bragging about their Rebbes: "My rebbe is very powerful. He was walking once, and there was a big lake in his path. He waved his handkerchief, and there was lake on the right, lake on the left, but no lake in the middle." To which the second retorted, "That’s nothing. My rebbe is even more powerful. He was walking once, and there was a huge mountain in his path. He waved his handkerchief, and there was mountain on the right, mountain on the left, but no mountain in the middle!" Said the third, "Ha! That is still nothing! My rebbe is the most powerful. He was walking once on Shabbat (Saturday, the holy day in Judaism, on which it is forbidden to handle money), and there was a wallet crammed full of cash in his path. He waved his handkerchief, and it was Shabbat on the right, Shabbat on the left, but not Shabbat in the middle!"

This week’s pick:

Week of Dec. 27 2009 – Jan 2, 2010

Best Internet Jewish, clean Videos of the Week. Best new internet videos, best music video and funny video.

Jewish humour is the long tradition of humour in Judaism dating back to the Torah and the Midrash, but generally refers to the more recent stream. Jewish humour is rooted in several traditions. The first is the intellectual and legal methods of the Talmud, which uses elaborate legal arguments and situations often seen as so absurd as to be humorous in order to tease out the meaning of religious law. The Jewish comedy tradition continues today, with Jewish humour much entwined with that of mainstream humour. As befits a community to which religion was so important, much humour centres on the relationship of Judaism to the individual Jew and the community.

Similarly, in the tradition of the legal arguments of the Talmud, one prominent type of Jewish humour involves clever, often legalistic, solutions to Talmudic problems, such as: Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath? A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.

The concept of simcha (happiness) is an important one in Jewish philosophy. A popular teaching by Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, a 19th century Chassidic Rabbi, is "Mitzvah Gedolah Le’hiyot Besimcha Tamid," it is a great mitzvah (commandment) to always be in a state of happiness. When a person is happy they are much more capable of serving God and going about their daily activities than when depressed or upset.

This week’s pick:

God’s army

Rabbi Landau was standing near the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!" "But I’m already in God’s Army, Rabbi," Max replied. "So how come I don’t see you in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" asked the Rabbi. "Max whispered, "Because I’m in the secret service

Illegal Sukkah

An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue , built a Sukkah on his balcony. Some of his ‘high society’ non-Jewish neighbors brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighborhood. In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He prayed for help. And Hashem listened. Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him: "Don’t you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue . You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars. You have exactly eight days to do so! Next Case!"

Hebrew

Osama bin Laden gets President Bush on the phone and says, “I had a dream that a flag was flying over the White House and it said in Arabic ‘Allah akbar, God is great.’” President Bush responded, “I had a dream, too, about a flag flying over your Pakistani mountain hideaway.” There is silence, so bin Laden says, “What did it say?” Mr. Bush: “Dunno; can’t read Hebrew.”

Deathbed

A man was on his deathbed at home, his son tending to him, his wife cooking in the kitchen. Man to son: “Tell your mother that her brisket will go with me to heaven. A last wish: I just want one piece.” The boy runs to the kitchen, then sprints back. Son to man: “Sorry, Dad. Mom says it’s for after the funeral.”

Funeral

A priest, an imam and a rabbi are talking about how they hope people talk about them at their funeral. The priest: “That I was a wonderful servant of God who made a difference.” The imam: “That I showed the path to Allah as one of peace and harmony.” The rabbi: “They should say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”

Can I buy An hour of your time?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated. His five-year-old son was waiting for him at the door with a question, "Dad, how much money do you make an hour dad?"

"That’s none of your business! How dare you ask!" the father said angrily. "Please tell me," pleaded the little boy. "If you must know, I make $20 an hour."

Looking up, the boy asked, "Dad, may I borrow $9?" His father was furious. "I work long, hard hours every day. All you are interested in is getting some of my hard-earned money to buy a silly toy. March straight to your room and think about why you’re so selfish." The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

After an hour his father calmed down. He opened the door to his son’s room and said: "Perhaps I was too hard on you earlier. Here is the $9 you asked for." The little boy sat up straight, beaming. "Thanks Dad!" he said. Reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled bills.

"Why did you want money if you already had some?" the father asked. "Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Dad, I have $20 now. Can I buy one hour of your time?"

An old Jew had a parrot. After years of reciting his daily prayers, the man discovered that his parrot had learned to pray. On Rosh Hashana, he brought the parrot to synagogue and boasted that his parrot could daven. The congregants started betting whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took bets that eventually totaled $50,000.
 
The prayers began but there was not a word from the bird.  When the prayers ended, the old man was not only crestfallen but also $50,000 in debt. On the way home he thundered at his parrot: "Why did you do this to me? I know you can pray. Do you know how much money I owe now?"
 
To which the parrot replied: "A little business imagination would help you, dear friend. You must look ahead: Can you imagine what the stakes will be like on Yom Kippur?"

Dyslexic Rabbi?

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo."

A Rabbi and the Pope

A Rabbi visiting Rome had the good fortune to have an audience with the Pope. While talking about things, the Rabbi noticed a red phone on the Pope’s desk.
The Rabbi asks what the phone was for. The Pope informs him that it’s a direct line to God.
The Rabbi askes if he can use it and the pope says of course but that he should leave $100 for the call. The Rabbi thank him and uses the phone. A few months later, the Pope was visiting the US and makes sure to make a stop to visit his new Rabbi friend. While talking, the Pope notices a red phone on the Rabbi’s desk.
The Pope asks if the phone is what he thinks it is and the Rabbi says of course. The Pope askes if he can use the phone and the Rabbi said that he may bt that he needed to leave $0.50 for the call.
The Pope was surpised and asked, "You use my phone and I ask you to leave $100 and, yet, when I use your phone I am to leave only $0.50. Why is that?"
The Rabbi smiled and replied, "Because here it is a local call."

A Do-It-Yourself Court Settlement

Moshe and Bernie were in court and standing before the judge. "Why can’t you settle this case, out of court?" the judge asked.
Moshe looked up at the judge and said, "That’s exactly what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."

The Rabbi and his Wife

The Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn’t recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day, she was out and his curiousity got the better of him. He opened the box and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he had opened the box and asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him, every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box. He thought to himself, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that’s not bad." His wife continued, "And every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

No parking place

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat, and all the holidays." Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

A Canadian tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. The tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through a red light, without even slowing down.

At the next intersection the light was green and, to the Canadian’s dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.

Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver and says, "Why on earth are you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the Canadian was deranged: "Are you crazy?" he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"